Benjen, The Chow Chow

There isn’t much to update on at this time so I’ll just leave a photo of my dog and I at the lake where it turns out he does know how to swim while chasing ducks. Enjoy.

 

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Stuttering Along

It’s been a while since I’ve posted on here. I’ve been busy preparing for job interviews and whatnot. None of them really worked out for me though. I blame it on the fact that I have a speech impediment — I stutter, hence the title of my blog — and can’t really perform during interviews, but now it’s feeling like it’s just an excuse to not try harder.

However, every time that I get a call back for a job that I applied for (about 1 in 15), I dread the entire process all over again. The process of having a hard time talking over the phone or face-to-face, and having the interviewer either try to contain their laughter or get so impatient with me you can hear it in their voice. I have to admit, it’s demotivating. The fresh out of college kid with dreams and aspiration is now buried beneath a pile of disappointment. I no longer see him in the mirror and he no longer talks me.

I’ve been trying to use this as a source of motivation; to show that I am more than my stutter. However, I am having trouble starting. On my previous post I talked about finding motivation. I found it, but motivation isn’t constant. It isn’t forever. It depletes overtime. It’s like a goldmine and when I finish mining all of its resources, I have to find another one. At least that’s how it’s been for a while.

I know this post isn’t of the lightest tone, but I just had to get this off my chest. I know I’ll pick things up again. It’s just a matter of time. I picked up a few textbooks to learn and a novel or two to enjoy in the meantime before I start applying for jobs again. Hopefully it works out better next time; my student loans aren’t going to pay themselves off.

Finding Motivation

It’s been a while now since I’ve graduated from college. I switched majors from Mechanical Engineering to Computer Science and Engineering my 4th year thinking that it’d be an easier transition into the real world but that is yet to happen. The transition hasn’t even happened yet or at least I don’t believe it has. I’m still stuck wondering not what should I do, but what can I do with my degree. I’ve applied to numerous places and I’m left either still waiting for a response or replies of denial. It’s been quite hard these past few weeks finding motivation. I’ve picked up trying to learn HTML and CSS on my free time and have started developing android applications again but it just doesn’t feel as rewarding anymore. It probably has to do with the fact that I never see the projects through to the end because of lack of knowledge and when I do try to learn it on my own I lack self-discipline. That in itself is the main reason why I’ve been feeling kind of down lately.

I believe that I need to learn self-discipline before I can honestly continue on my projects. At first it felt nice programming again and writing code, but after a day or two or once I stumbled into something harder, I start to slack off because it I’m not showing immediate progress. With that said maybe it’s also my expectations as well that is slowly destroying my self-confidence. I now sometime waste hours pondering on what I should be doing when I know what I have to do. Reality is hard and isn’t what I thought it’d be at all, but I need to accept it before I’m able to continue progressing as a programmer and more importantly, a person.